Usually not safely. A California domestic violence restraining order reaches contact made through other people, so having a friend, relative, or anyone else discuss the children with the protected person on your behalf can itself count as a violation, unless your specific order contains an exception that covers it.

Why a go-between is risky

The standard domestic violence restraining order form orders the restrained person not to disturb the peace of the protected person, and explains that this “can be done directly or indirectly, such as through someone else” (Judicial Council form DV-130, item 14). Family Code section 6320(c) defines disturbing the peace the same way: conduct committed directly or indirectly, including through a third party, by any method, including telephone, online accounts, and text messages. If the judge also checked the no-contact order, it bars contact “directly or indirectly, by any means” (DV-130, item 15a). Asking someone else to raise a topic with the protected person for you is not automatically safer than raising it yourself.

What your order actually allows about the children

Form DV-130’s no-contact order has built-in exceptions, and none of them is a general permission for someone else to relay messages:

  • If the judge checked that box, you personally may have brief and peaceful contact with the protected person only to communicate about your children for court-ordered visits (item 15b(1)).
  • If checked, you may have contact with your children only during court-ordered contact or visits (item 15b(2)).
  • The judge can write in a different exception under “Other” (item 15b(3)).
  • Peaceful written contact through a lawyer, process server, or another person to serve legal papers related to a court case is allowed, but that covers service of papers, not discussing the children (item 15c).

Unless an exception written into your order covers it, no standard provision lets a friend or relative discuss the children with the protected person for you.

The protected person’s agreement does not change the order

Even if the protected person is willing to receive messages through someone else, that willingness does not amend the order. A protective order’s terms remain enforceable “notwithstanding the acts of the parties,” and can be changed only by another court order (Penal Code section 13710(b)). Form DV-130 itself says the orders stay in effect even if the protected person invites or consents to contact. An informal understanding, even one the protected person proposed, does not protect the restrained person from a violation charge if the contact does not fit within an actual exception in the order.

The lawful way to involve a third party

If the children’s schedule needs outside help, the custody and visitation order that can be attached to a restraining order can provide for supervised exchanges, naming a professional or nonprofessional provider to supervise drop-off and pick-up of the children (Judicial Council form DV-140, item 11). When a court makes custody or visitation orders under Family Code section 6323, it must specify the time, day, place, and manner of transferring the children, and it must consider whether visits should happen only with a third person it specifies present. Those arrangements are written into the court’s orders, which is what separates them from an informal go-between.

If nothing in your orders covers what you actually need, such as passing along a medical update or a schedule change, the safer path is asking the court to add a specific provision rather than improvising one. For a domestic violence restraining order issued after a hearing, that request is made on Judicial Council form DV-300. Our page on permanent restraining orders explains how those orders are set.

What to check before anyone else gets involved

  • Read the no-contact and stay-away sections of your actual order for any checked or written-in exception, and read exactly what it covers, not what you assume it covers.
  • Check whether a custody and visitation order is attached, and whether it already names a provider for exchanges.
  • If your situation is not covered, ask the court to add a specific provision rather than relying on a relative, friend, or app the order does not mention.
  • Remember that the protected person’s consent, given by text, phone, or in person, does not change what the order permits.

Every order’s exact wording is different, so an exception granted in someone else’s case will not necessarily appear in yours. To review your order’s exact terms and whether a workable exception can be added, contact the Law Offices of David S. Chesley at (800) 755-5174.